COLLAGE: ENGLISH DREAMS

I opened your letter yesterday,
I could not believe my eyes. I’ve already given
all I have to give, I’ve worked myself to the bone—
suck the marrow, drain my soul.
Pay your dues and your debts, pay your respects—
everybody tells you, you pay for what you get.
Whatever you finally came out and said, it still
didn’t say much. But the silence
fills in the blanks, for me anyway. That must have been
the last worthless evening that you had to spend with me,
it came a long time ago. It’s probably the same
for me, I’ll figure it out some day; I am a slow learner.
But my head still says there’s hope to cling to,
says, “Keep on trying boy, she’s gonna change.”
I trust you’d say if I was wasting my time,
but I guess I missed again.

Over and over, I keep on telling myself—
over and over, I hope I’m going to wake up,
but over and over, I know it’s really happening,
and there’s nothing that I can say—
nothing can change all the things you do to me.
Everybody asks me how she’s doing—
has she really lost her mind?
I say, “I couldn’t tell you—
I’ve lost mine.”

I sit in this hospital room,
eating my hospital food. I look at all
the lovely people. Now, I’m not one to complain,
but this hanging around is wearing me out.
The doctors say, “Well, if we can help you, we will.
You're looking tired and sick. As I count backwards,
your eyes will become heavy. Sleep…allow
yourself to fall? It won’t hurt. With your consent,
I can experiment further still.”
So patch me up, boys, take me home—
are you not hearing a world I’m saying?
She sounds so different on the phone,
I just sink like a stone back to the bay.
When it’s over, I’ll still be back. Everyone will be
unrecognizable, but they’ll say to me,
“Hello again, it’s been too long.”

(2/15/09)